I will make sure 2013...

Polaroid SX-70, Silver Shade UV TIP film

I'm really getting closer to figuring it all out...this is positive thinking. Underneath is the incessant fear, "What if I never end up where I want to be..." The buckets of "Make it Happen" mottos I acknowledge, the "Just Do It's" and all that, they keep me at an uncomfortable turning point. I have been at that very same point for last year, and it's just no good.

It sounds so simple when people say, "Just decide what it is that you want to do and do it. It's about commitment and sacrifice. But, I don't want a life full of sacrifice, at least not while Isabella needs me so much. Right now, I feel weakened by the sacrifice, instead of the opposite, which is what I hear is supposed to happen. "Sacrifice makes you stronger," it actually makes me want to cry.

My girl is going on 12, and she is my priority. I will go insane if she can't be my priority. I have very little free time to spend with her these days, and it was a valuable experiment, but it will not work in 2013. I must find another way.

Running in to December

I haven't been keeping up with my blog because every time I sit down to write, everything that comes out is so negative, and I don't want to be negative. I am having such a hard time with my job. I could go into it, but it's really complainy, and when I start to lay it all out, I think I seem very spoiled.

It's so important for me to be physically here for Bella especially during these preteen years, and I must figure out a way to do that. It will involve more sacrifice. I may have to move back to my parent's house-and I really, really don't want to! Privacy is a luxury in my life. I don't like to hear people or be heard. I want quiet when I'm at home. The walls in these apartments are too thin-I could hear everything, and it is so unsettling. I do like to be alone. In the middle of anywhere.

Bella is growing up and she needs me more than ever. She isn't sleeping with her baby kitten anymore! She says there's not enough room in her bed. I told her she doesn't need to grow up right now, but she said, "Mom, I'm growing up, and there's nothing you could do about it." Please transport me to Neverland. I would rather be there! Don't try to tell me it will be great to have a grown-up daughter-I don't believe it! Ah, well-okay I will adjust, but damn.

I am trying to do what I can to embrace the holiday season, although I have been so busy with work. I love Christmas, and I don't want to be weak and let corporate greed ruin it for me. We have a very cute little tree.

One of the things that is keeping me grounded right now is the weather we've been having. It has been in the 70's-sunny and beautiful. The warmth of the sun revives me. I am very lucky to have my family and friends' love and support. The girls I work with are amazing and strong. And funny. Thank God for them. Thank God for all the people in my life that make things easier.

A real weekend.

I had Saturday and Sunday off, yes, a real weekend, the first in almost 6 months. We had a wonderful time. Bella and I drove to Hondo, NM, to visit my 97-yr-old Granny, stopping in Ruidoso on the way to have lunch. Breathing in the fresh country air was just what I needed. The weather was perfect, nice and cool with gorgeous autumn sunshine. It rained sporadically, for only 5-minute intervals, just enough to keep everything fresh and pine-scented. I got a chance to shoot some Polaroids, too...

Almost to Alamogordo, NM

Thrifting in Ruidoso, NM

Taking a walk on Sunday morning in Hondo, NM

Polaroid SX-70, TIP PX70 Color Shade Cool film.

Summer so far...

Yesterday, I finally managed to get my Polaroiding in, poolside. Impossible PX70 Color Shade Cool film is the BEST. I hope you are having a happy, sunshiney summer so far! Swimming is my favorite thing to do in the world-besides Polaroiding, that is.

Summer is really flying by for us. Bee has been spending a lot of time with my parents. They found her a guitar teacher that makes house calls, which makes us all very happy. She is learning it so quickly, it's wild! I'm impressed with her new skills.

My creative urge has morphed into painting walls in the middle of the night. I have self-imposed insomnia. I need so many things for the new place-but the main things I need are curtains, rugs, and most of all a new sofa and a new coffee table. I want a new dining room set, but I will hold off and just paint the one I have for now. If I re-sign the lease in a year, I will tell the landlord I will only do so if they replace the hideous carpet and blinds.

Other than that, we have a very cozy little place that's shaping up slowly, but surely. 

A new home for us-just down the street.

We moved to an apartment down the street from my parent's house. It's on the second floor and is overlooking the pool. We really like it. Bee's room is almost fully decorated, but the rest is bare. I'm starting from scratch. I have a good idea of what I want the space to become.

Although the hours at my job are terrible for a single mother, and the pay isn't great, I'm keeping it anyway, at least until I find something better.

PX100 Silver Shade UV+ 

In-flux

Polaroid Spectra SE, Impossible PZ 680 Colorshade film.

I had a strange dream last night. In the dream I had to flee a home where I was working for a friend, managing her business. The building (her shop) was about to be taken over by a dangerous, powerful, male-dominated faction and we had limited time to gather files and money, ect...

In the shop we had a giant computer and printer, something like what I imagined was like one of the very first computers, you know, it basically filled the entire room. Right before we left, I wrote a last message on this computer and sent it to the printer. A giant document came out, on a giant sheet of tracing paper, probably about 20 ft. wide, and just as long. The ink was rainbow. The last message came out scattered and illegible, and looked like it had been typed on an old typewriter.

The rest of the print-out was the story of my life up to that point, but it was all over the place and out of sequence. I rolled it up and tried to fold it so that I could take it with me. My boss/friend respected my feelings, and watched me struggle to make the document portable with a curious look on her face. It was dark outside. At that point I noticed that there was someone else fleeing with us, a male figure that I don't remember too well-but he seemed young, small, and mute.

Then I woke up.

Breakfast of Champions

I had my day off yesterday, and had a full list of things to do that went something like this:

1. Make coffee (& shoot a Polaroid)
2. Drink coffee, browse Internets
3. Straighten-up house, dust
4. 4 loads of laundry including sheets and towels
5. Grocery shopping
6. Shoot a Polaroid or 2
7. Pick up Bee from school
8. Steam work clothes
9. Make Dr. appointments for check-ups
10. Paint? Draw?
11. Make dinner
12. Exercise with Bee, or go get ice cream?
13. Paint? Draw?
14. Watch Dancing With the Stars with Bee
14. Resume Season 7 of Weeds
15. Crochet
16. Paint? Draw?

I used to read food labels religiously, but lately, have taken a more relaxed (lazy) approach to grocery shopping. This morning, I read the Cheerios label, and found that the second ingredient is sugar. Looks like I'm going back to reading labels, because sugar as the main ingredient in my kid's breakfast is sad and unacceptable. 
Spectra, Impossible PZ 680 Colorshade

I almost finished folding all the laundry. Never got around to painting or drawing. I almost started crocheting but I couldn't find the right hook. I took a 15 minute walk with Bee then went for ice cream. (Win!) I fell asleep watching Weeds. I think the 7th season (4 episodes in) is kind-of weak.

I'm going to figure out how to dedicate myself to creating art again. Drawing and painting need to be at the top of my list on my days off.

Sun, Wind, & Complex Transitions

I knew for a fact that 2012 would be a year of major change for me and my family. I am trying to keep in mind that fear can be a positive catalyst, and I know I need to take the time to work through new choices and opportunities. Change really does-can-did happen overnight.

Impossible Project PX680 film with SX-70, no ND filter.

My dad is transferring to San Diego, California. He has been the one physically helping me with Bee for the last 4 years. My mom helps me, too, in every way, but she hasn't been living here in El Paso-she's been 3 hours away in New Mexico. I'm not proud to say I have been relying on my parents for help, but being a single mom without Bee's father, well, it's been a real blessing. I'm incredibly grateful. Thanks to my parents I was able to complete my BFA, which is something I am extremely proud of.

So, I have a decision to make. I have been in a (sometimes complicated) relationship with a man I love for the last 10 years, but he may not be able to provide me with the same kind of support with Bee that I would need. He has a revolving schedule, my current work schedule is mostly afternoons and evenings...you see my dilemma. 

I will definitely have to look for a day job wherever I am. It won't be easy here in El Paso-the job market here is slim to nil. I'm pretty sure I would have more success finding a day job in San Diego. So, I am asking myself if I am going to have to relocate and leave my relationship behind. We may not have a perfect thing going on, but Steven has been my partner and my best friend for the last 10 years.

My dad leaves in 3 weeks, and I have to say, although I will miss him, and even with all the extenuating circumstances, it still really feels like it's going to be a positive change. It feels like a giant open door for my entire family. My brother is already in San Diego, and my mom has been wanting to experience life somewhere beyond this desert southwest. I wonder where me and Bee are going to end up? I have the course of this summer to decide.

Impossible Project PX680 film with SX-70, no ND filter.

Days off with Bee.

I have been so busy with my new job, I haven't had much of a chance to shoot. I have my SX-70 and my 340 ready to go, loaded with film for my next day off. I have to make time for what makes me happy or I will sink.

Polaroid 100 Sepia Giambarba Expired

I ended up putting these SX-70 shots in my back pocket and throwing the jeans in the wash, and although the chemicals leaked and make a flaky mess, I was able to stop the dryer in time to save them.

PX70 Colorshade

PX70 Colorshade

Have a sweet weekend, my friends! 

In the Midst of all Things Unimportant

I'm afraid I may have some difficulty with the Impossible Project films in the heat of summer. Not sure what happened with all these, except it was a really warm out last Saturday. I suppose a cold clip could help in the heat.

I am getting really unhappy because I haven't been drawing, painting, sewing, or shooting. All I seem to have time to do is make dinner, wash dishes, do laundry, and clean. I fall asleep with the crochet hook in my hand in front of the TV-that's my life now. I don't think I am following my true path anymore. I feel very selfish. I feel a ton of pressure. I want to teach. I want to research and write. I have displaced myself. I want to inspire my daughter to go after her highest goals.

I'm in a rough spot. A part-time job & grad school sounds/feels right...I think I should get back on the right path and keep on.

by Bee

SPECTRA, Impossible PZ680 Color Shade film.

The Day Job

I am both happy and sad to say that I landed a day job last week. It's an office job, and although I think it's okay so far, I'm super-conflicted about having to put my mothering aside in this way. I know this is what I need to do, though. I don't have a choice. I know that it is important to teach Bee what it means to have to make rational compromises to earn a living in this world. I know that once we have a new routine down, things will flow better. For now, I am inching along and going through the motions.

We had our weekend. I shouldn't complain. We took a walk in the sun, which made me feel better. I promised myself to take at least 2 Impossible film shots of anything without over-thinking subject matter. If I continue to make art, I will be able to cope with this day job situation.

Spectra, PZ 680 Colorshade Impossible film.

Spectra, PZ 680 Colorshade Impossible film.

My Valentine

When you have been in a relationship for 10 years Valentine's Day becomes null and void. Although I do love pink and red, and hearts and cute things, after a few weeks of seeing it all in stores I actually start to hate it. I am very happy to announce my manfriend and I have decided not to take part in V-day festivities anymore! You know who loves it to no avail, though-my little girly-girl, that's who.

This post is in honor of Bella and her sweet romantic hopes and dreams, that I am carefully not trying to kill or overindulge.

Polaroid SX-70, 600 type film.

Polaroid SX-70, 600 type film.

Pentax K-1000, Kodak Portra 400 film.

Black & White Film is Real Good Stuff

I haven't had the chance to plan a shoot lately, although I still take my cameras with me wherever I go. I've been dreaming of developing and printing my own black and white film. As soon as I manage to find a real job, I'm going to start building a darkroom. It would be a real pity if I don't do this before I die.

Here's a little series I did on the fly (in a stairwell right before class) for the one and only photography course I took in school. I ditched my painting class to stay in the darkroom. Those were the days. Some of these are scanned prints, as you can tell by the indicative negative carrier framing the image. The others are just scans of the film.

I'm pretty sure this was Kodak TMax 400 film. I don't remember the details about the chemicals. I really love the look of it. I'm glad I have the memory of taking these, and I'm glad I got the chance to carry my old baby doll with me to school. I put her in my backpack, but I felt bad about it, because she seemed squished. She looks like she's having fun climbing the stairs, though, doesn't she?

Creepy, but in a good way. I still have that uncanny feeling that I had when I was a kid about beloved dolls having a soul. I take care of Bella's when she's gone. If that makes me a creepy weirdo so be it.

Sunday at the magic hour.

It's almost like spring here in El Paso.  I'm looking for a day job while I continue to work on my drawing and photography portfolios.  University classes have resumed, and I'm feeling a pull back, but mostly because the job market is so dismal right now.

It was my plan to take the spring off to make a decision about what my next move will be, (whether I focus on grad school or career), but I think the economy is going to decide for me.  Ideally, I would find a full-time 8-5 administration/office position with benefits and decent pay, but it is quickly becoming apparent that I'm going to have to lower my standards.

Why couldn't I have just studied nursing...ughhhhhhh...oh yeah, I was intent on pursuing a dream...

I think I'm just going to have to settle for a part-time job so I can focus on my art and being a super-extraordinary-present mom.  I'm staying positive regardless, because life is too damn short to be stuck in the blues.

by Bee

Polaroid SX-70, Impossible PX70 Colorshade film.

We went to the park after spending most of the beautiful day indoors.  Bee had a huge homework project that she (we) trudged through for 7-8 hours with a break for lunch (!!!@!@#)^&*) >.<...  She had a week to do it, and we tried to start it early-on, but she had all this other homework to do on top of it.

**Warning**
**Mommy Rant:  Seriously, I am so tired of teachers sending these projects home that require a 50-50 collaboration between student and parent-don't they know we have better things to do and hardly have time/opportunity for activities outside of school-related stuff?**

Anyhow, we were able to catch the end of the sunshine and explored a reservoir behind the park.  I felt like we had a mini-adventure, so that was good, and it took the edge off having to be stuck indoors all day.