Growing Up

This career path has officially come to a dead-end. The corporate giants I'm working for made cutbacks. Hours were chopped in half. I was looking for financial security and I did not find it. I think it's a blessing for us, actually. In the last week I've felt better than I've felt since starting this job last April.

I don't think I can handle retail full-time, especially not during a time when Bella needs me so much. In the last few weeks, we had to let go of the apartment and move back to my parent's house. Thinking about tween and early teen years gives me this overwhelming sense of urgency as a mother, and the guilt of being away from my girl evenings and weekends has left me depressed.

I know I'm not the only single parent who struggles, but I can't compare myself to others. I have a completely unique situation, and we do not fit neatly into those statistics. This is my life, and my daughter's life, and I see this as neglect. I look at her face, into her eyes, and see that there is no other way to describe it. We are aware of compromise and sacrifice. "You're teaching her that you have to make sacrifices and do things you don't want to do..." Well, for how long, and how many different ways does she need to learn this lesson?

Polaroid SX-70, Silver Shade UV TIP film

My life feels so wrong right now. There are too many conflicting elements and I'm suffocating. I'm at rock bottom, but there's nowhere else to go but up. Being so long away from academia and art has left me empty. I don't just miss school. I need it. I need to be in the university atmosphere on some level and I am on the wrong path right now. I do need to go to grad school, and I do need to keep on following my dream. I don't want to die miserable. I want to be able to say I did what I wanted to do. This sounds like a midlife crisis, right? Well, 36 is my midlife mark, I'm sure of it. On April 5 I will be 36, and there is (literally) no time to waste.

I will make sure 2013...

Polaroid SX-70, Silver Shade UV TIP film

I'm really getting closer to figuring it all out...this is positive thinking. Underneath is the incessant fear, "What if I never end up where I want to be..." The buckets of "Make it Happen" mottos I acknowledge, the "Just Do It's" and all that, they keep me at an uncomfortable turning point. I have been at that very same point for last year, and it's just no good.

It sounds so simple when people say, "Just decide what it is that you want to do and do it. It's about commitment and sacrifice. But, I don't want a life full of sacrifice, at least not while Isabella needs me so much. Right now, I feel weakened by the sacrifice, instead of the opposite, which is what I hear is supposed to happen. "Sacrifice makes you stronger," it actually makes me want to cry.

My girl is going on 12, and she is my priority. I will go insane if she can't be my priority. I have very little free time to spend with her these days, and it was a valuable experiment, but it will not work in 2013. I must find another way.

Running in to December

I haven't been keeping up with my blog because every time I sit down to write, everything that comes out is so negative, and I don't want to be negative. I am having such a hard time with my job. I could go into it, but it's really complainy, and when I start to lay it all out, I think I seem very spoiled.

It's so important for me to be physically here for Bella especially during these preteen years, and I must figure out a way to do that. It will involve more sacrifice. I may have to move back to my parent's house-and I really, really don't want to! Privacy is a luxury in my life. I don't like to hear people or be heard. I want quiet when I'm at home. The walls in these apartments are too thin-I could hear everything, and it is so unsettling. I do like to be alone. In the middle of anywhere.

Bella is growing up and she needs me more than ever. She isn't sleeping with her baby kitten anymore! She says there's not enough room in her bed. I told her she doesn't need to grow up right now, but she said, "Mom, I'm growing up, and there's nothing you could do about it." Please transport me to Neverland. I would rather be there! Don't try to tell me it will be great to have a grown-up daughter-I don't believe it! Ah, well-okay I will adjust, but damn.

I am trying to do what I can to embrace the holiday season, although I have been so busy with work. I love Christmas, and I don't want to be weak and let corporate greed ruin it for me. We have a very cute little tree.

One of the things that is keeping me grounded right now is the weather we've been having. It has been in the 70's-sunny and beautiful. The warmth of the sun revives me. I am very lucky to have my family and friends' love and support. The girls I work with are amazing and strong. And funny. Thank God for them. Thank God for all the people in my life that make things easier.

A real weekend.

I had Saturday and Sunday off, yes, a real weekend, the first in almost 6 months. We had a wonderful time. Bella and I drove to Hondo, NM, to visit my 97-yr-old Granny, stopping in Ruidoso on the way to have lunch. Breathing in the fresh country air was just what I needed. The weather was perfect, nice and cool with gorgeous autumn sunshine. It rained sporadically, for only 5-minute intervals, just enough to keep everything fresh and pine-scented. I got a chance to shoot some Polaroids, too...

Almost to Alamogordo, NM

Thrifting in Ruidoso, NM

Taking a walk on Sunday morning in Hondo, NM

Polaroid SX-70, TIP PX70 Color Shade Cool film.

'Roid Week Day 5

It's my little Bee, of course.

Polaroid Spectra, PZ680 Color Shade Impossible film.