I don't think I can handle retail full-time, especially not during a time when Bella needs me so much. In the last few weeks, we had to let go of the apartment and move back to my parent's house. Thinking about tween and early teen years gives me this overwhelming sense of urgency as a mother, and the guilt of being away from my girl evenings and weekends has left me depressed.
I know I'm not the only single parent who struggles, but I can't compare myself to others. I have a completely unique situation, and we do not fit neatly into those statistics. This is my life, and my daughter's life, and I see this as neglect. I look at her face, into her eyes, and see that there is no other way to describe it. We are aware of compromise and sacrifice. "You're teaching her that you have to make sacrifices and do things you don't want to do..." Well, for how long, and how many different ways does she need to learn this lesson?
My life feels so wrong right now. There are too many conflicting elements and I'm suffocating. I'm at rock bottom, but there's nowhere else to go but up. Being so long away from academia and art has left me empty. I don't just miss school. I need it. I need to be in the university atmosphere on some level and I am on the wrong path right now. I do need to go to grad school, and I do need to keep on following my dream. I don't want to die miserable. I want to be able to say I did what I wanted to do. This sounds like a midlife crisis, right? Well, 36 is my midlife mark, I'm sure of it. On April 5 I will be 36, and there is (literally) no time to waste.