In the Midst of all Things Unimportant

I'm afraid I may have some difficulty with the Impossible Project films in the heat of summer. Not sure what happened with all these, except it was a really warm out last Saturday. I suppose a cold clip could help in the heat.

I am getting really unhappy because I haven't been drawing, painting, sewing, or shooting. All I seem to have time to do is make dinner, wash dishes, do laundry, and clean. I fall asleep with the crochet hook in my hand in front of the TV-that's my life now. I don't think I am following my true path anymore. I feel very selfish. I feel a ton of pressure. I want to teach. I want to research and write. I have displaced myself. I want to inspire my daughter to go after her highest goals.

I'm in a rough spot. A part-time job & grad school sounds/feels right...I think I should get back on the right path and keep on.

by Bee

SPECTRA, Impossible PZ680 Color Shade film.

The Day Job

I am both happy and sad to say that I landed a day job last week. It's an office job, and although I think it's okay so far, I'm super-conflicted about having to put my mothering aside in this way. I know this is what I need to do, though. I don't have a choice. I know that it is important to teach Bee what it means to have to make rational compromises to earn a living in this world. I know that once we have a new routine down, things will flow better. For now, I am inching along and going through the motions.

We had our weekend. I shouldn't complain. We took a walk in the sun, which made me feel better. I promised myself to take at least 2 Impossible film shots of anything without over-thinking subject matter. If I continue to make art, I will be able to cope with this day job situation.

Spectra, PZ 680 Colorshade Impossible film.

Spectra, PZ 680 Colorshade Impossible film.

My Valentine

When you have been in a relationship for 10 years Valentine's Day becomes null and void. Although I do love pink and red, and hearts and cute things, after a few weeks of seeing it all in stores I actually start to hate it. I am very happy to announce my manfriend and I have decided not to take part in V-day festivities anymore! You know who loves it to no avail, though-my little girly-girl, that's who.

This post is in honor of Bella and her sweet romantic hopes and dreams, that I am carefully not trying to kill or overindulge.

Polaroid SX-70, 600 type film.

Polaroid SX-70, 600 type film.

Pentax K-1000, Kodak Portra 400 film.

Black & White Film is Real Good Stuff

I haven't had the chance to plan a shoot lately, although I still take my cameras with me wherever I go. I've been dreaming of developing and printing my own black and white film. As soon as I manage to find a real job, I'm going to start building a darkroom. It would be a real pity if I don't do this before I die.

Here's a little series I did on the fly (in a stairwell right before class) for the one and only photography course I took in school. I ditched my painting class to stay in the darkroom. Those were the days. Some of these are scanned prints, as you can tell by the indicative negative carrier framing the image. The others are just scans of the film.

I'm pretty sure this was Kodak TMax 400 film. I don't remember the details about the chemicals. I really love the look of it. I'm glad I have the memory of taking these, and I'm glad I got the chance to carry my old baby doll with me to school. I put her in my backpack, but I felt bad about it, because she seemed squished. She looks like she's having fun climbing the stairs, though, doesn't she?

Creepy, but in a good way. I still have that uncanny feeling that I had when I was a kid about beloved dolls having a soul. I take care of Bella's when she's gone. If that makes me a creepy weirdo so be it.

Sunday at the magic hour.

It's almost like spring here in El Paso.  I'm looking for a day job while I continue to work on my drawing and photography portfolios.  University classes have resumed, and I'm feeling a pull back, but mostly because the job market is so dismal right now.

It was my plan to take the spring off to make a decision about what my next move will be, (whether I focus on grad school or career), but I think the economy is going to decide for me.  Ideally, I would find a full-time 8-5 administration/office position with benefits and decent pay, but it is quickly becoming apparent that I'm going to have to lower my standards.

Why couldn't I have just studied nursing...ughhhhhhh...oh yeah, I was intent on pursuing a dream...

I think I'm just going to have to settle for a part-time job so I can focus on my art and being a super-extraordinary-present mom.  I'm staying positive regardless, because life is too damn short to be stuck in the blues.

by Bee

Polaroid SX-70, Impossible PX70 Colorshade film.

We went to the park after spending most of the beautiful day indoors.  Bee had a huge homework project that she (we) trudged through for 7-8 hours with a break for lunch (!!!@!@#)^&*) >.<...  She had a week to do it, and we tried to start it early-on, but she had all this other homework to do on top of it.

**Warning**
**Mommy Rant:  Seriously, I am so tired of teachers sending these projects home that require a 50-50 collaboration between student and parent-don't they know we have better things to do and hardly have time/opportunity for activities outside of school-related stuff?**

Anyhow, we were able to catch the end of the sunshine and explored a reservoir behind the park.  I felt like we had a mini-adventure, so that was good, and it took the edge off having to be stuck indoors all day.