I will make sure 2013...

Polaroid SX-70, Silver Shade UV TIP film

I'm really getting closer to figuring it all out...this is positive thinking. Underneath is the incessant fear, "What if I never end up where I want to be..." The buckets of "Make it Happen" mottos I acknowledge, the "Just Do It's" and all that, they keep me at an uncomfortable turning point. I have been at that very same point for last year, and it's just no good.

It sounds so simple when people say, "Just decide what it is that you want to do and do it. It's about commitment and sacrifice. But, I don't want a life full of sacrifice, at least not while Isabella needs me so much. Right now, I feel weakened by the sacrifice, instead of the opposite, which is what I hear is supposed to happen. "Sacrifice makes you stronger," it actually makes me want to cry.

My girl is going on 12, and she is my priority. I will go insane if she can't be my priority. I have very little free time to spend with her these days, and it was a valuable experiment, but it will not work in 2013. I must find another way.

Running in to December

I haven't been keeping up with my blog because every time I sit down to write, everything that comes out is so negative, and I don't want to be negative. I am having such a hard time with my job. I could go into it, but it's really complainy, and when I start to lay it all out, I think I seem very spoiled.

It's so important for me to be physically here for Bella especially during these preteen years, and I must figure out a way to do that. It will involve more sacrifice. I may have to move back to my parent's house-and I really, really don't want to! Privacy is a luxury in my life. I don't like to hear people or be heard. I want quiet when I'm at home. The walls in these apartments are too thin-I could hear everything, and it is so unsettling. I do like to be alone. In the middle of anywhere.

Bella is growing up and she needs me more than ever. She isn't sleeping with her baby kitten anymore! She says there's not enough room in her bed. I told her she doesn't need to grow up right now, but she said, "Mom, I'm growing up, and there's nothing you could do about it." Please transport me to Neverland. I would rather be there! Don't try to tell me it will be great to have a grown-up daughter-I don't believe it! Ah, well-okay I will adjust, but damn.

I am trying to do what I can to embrace the holiday season, although I have been so busy with work. I love Christmas, and I don't want to be weak and let corporate greed ruin it for me. We have a very cute little tree.

One of the things that is keeping me grounded right now is the weather we've been having. It has been in the 70's-sunny and beautiful. The warmth of the sun revives me. I am very lucky to have my family and friends' love and support. The girls I work with are amazing and strong. And funny. Thank God for them. Thank God for all the people in my life that make things easier.

A new home for us-just down the street.

We moved to an apartment down the street from my parent's house. It's on the second floor and is overlooking the pool. We really like it. Bee's room is almost fully decorated, but the rest is bare. I'm starting from scratch. I have a good idea of what I want the space to become.

Although the hours at my job are terrible for a single mother, and the pay isn't great, I'm keeping it anyway, at least until I find something better.

PX100 Silver Shade UV+ 

Sun, Wind, & Complex Transitions

I knew for a fact that 2012 would be a year of major change for me and my family. I am trying to keep in mind that fear can be a positive catalyst, and I know I need to take the time to work through new choices and opportunities. Change really does-can-did happen overnight.

Impossible Project PX680 film with SX-70, no ND filter.

My dad is transferring to San Diego, California. He has been the one physically helping me with Bee for the last 4 years. My mom helps me, too, in every way, but she hasn't been living here in El Paso-she's been 3 hours away in New Mexico. I'm not proud to say I have been relying on my parents for help, but being a single mom without Bee's father, well, it's been a real blessing. I'm incredibly grateful. Thanks to my parents I was able to complete my BFA, which is something I am extremely proud of.

So, I have a decision to make. I have been in a (sometimes complicated) relationship with a man I love for the last 10 years, but he may not be able to provide me with the same kind of support with Bee that I would need. He has a revolving schedule, my current work schedule is mostly afternoons and evenings...you see my dilemma. 

I will definitely have to look for a day job wherever I am. It won't be easy here in El Paso-the job market here is slim to nil. I'm pretty sure I would have more success finding a day job in San Diego. So, I am asking myself if I am going to have to relocate and leave my relationship behind. We may not have a perfect thing going on, but Steven has been my partner and my best friend for the last 10 years.

My dad leaves in 3 weeks, and I have to say, although I will miss him, and even with all the extenuating circumstances, it still really feels like it's going to be a positive change. It feels like a giant open door for my entire family. My brother is already in San Diego, and my mom has been wanting to experience life somewhere beyond this desert southwest. I wonder where me and Bee are going to end up? I have the course of this summer to decide.

Impossible Project PX680 film with SX-70, no ND filter.

The Day Job

I am both happy and sad to say that I landed a day job last week. It's an office job, and although I think it's okay so far, I'm super-conflicted about having to put my mothering aside in this way. I know this is what I need to do, though. I don't have a choice. I know that it is important to teach Bee what it means to have to make rational compromises to earn a living in this world. I know that once we have a new routine down, things will flow better. For now, I am inching along and going through the motions.

We had our weekend. I shouldn't complain. We took a walk in the sun, which made me feel better. I promised myself to take at least 2 Impossible film shots of anything without over-thinking subject matter. If I continue to make art, I will be able to cope with this day job situation.

Spectra, PZ 680 Colorshade Impossible film.

Spectra, PZ 680 Colorshade Impossible film.

My Valentine

When you have been in a relationship for 10 years Valentine's Day becomes null and void. Although I do love pink and red, and hearts and cute things, after a few weeks of seeing it all in stores I actually start to hate it. I am very happy to announce my manfriend and I have decided not to take part in V-day festivities anymore! You know who loves it to no avail, though-my little girly-girl, that's who.

This post is in honor of Bella and her sweet romantic hopes and dreams, that I am carefully not trying to kill or overindulge.

Polaroid SX-70, 600 type film.

Polaroid SX-70, 600 type film.

Pentax K-1000, Kodak Portra 400 film.

Black & White Film is Real Good Stuff

I haven't had the chance to plan a shoot lately, although I still take my cameras with me wherever I go. I've been dreaming of developing and printing my own black and white film. As soon as I manage to find a real job, I'm going to start building a darkroom. It would be a real pity if I don't do this before I die.

Here's a little series I did on the fly (in a stairwell right before class) for the one and only photography course I took in school. I ditched my painting class to stay in the darkroom. Those were the days. Some of these are scanned prints, as you can tell by the indicative negative carrier framing the image. The others are just scans of the film.

I'm pretty sure this was Kodak TMax 400 film. I don't remember the details about the chemicals. I really love the look of it. I'm glad I have the memory of taking these, and I'm glad I got the chance to carry my old baby doll with me to school. I put her in my backpack, but I felt bad about it, because she seemed squished. She looks like she's having fun climbing the stairs, though, doesn't she?

Creepy, but in a good way. I still have that uncanny feeling that I had when I was a kid about beloved dolls having a soul. I take care of Bella's when she's gone. If that makes me a creepy weirdo so be it.

Sunday + Sunshine

It would have been a shame not to take a break with Bee to go to the park this afternoon.  She is getting much better with my Polaroid.  I think she is ready for her own.  She has confidence with the Spectra.

Me, by Bee.

Me, by Bee

Me, getting lots of stickers on myself, made me itchy through my clothes...with Bee in the background there.

Bee

A perspective that didn't quite work out, but it is endearing to me at least.

Polaroid Spectra, Impossible Project PZ680 Color Shade film.

Other things we accomplished together this weekend:

1.  Finished season 8 of Little House on the Prairie... (Laura and Almanzo are expecting a baby!)

2.  Watched a Bjork video collection together for the first time, Volumen Plus (1998) which was amazing.  A tad on the ahem...educational side for Bee with the artist's All is Full of Love's homoerotic robot self-love, but ultimately, compared to all the covers of men's magazines in Bee's face at the bookstore and supermarket...it gave us something to talk about and expand on, a point of comparison on feminine issues.

I have a very smart, sensitive girl.  She's very aware of the issues, I am her mom after all.  Our favorite of the collection is Cocoon, if you have not seen it yet, (admittedly, I had not) you can watch it on YouTube.

It's break-time for Bee.

My child is officially accident-prone, according to hospital records.  "Child prone to injury," is what it says on her paper work...it seems like a bad thing to have in there.  I don't know, I'm her mother, I feel like I have to take responsibility for things that happen even if I'm not there.  All her injuries happened at school.  She had staples on her scalp in kindergarten, too.  

I don't even remember how she got herself into that one.  I think she banged her head on the monkey bars.  I am sad for her, but she is doing rather well, considering it's been less than 3 months since she had a cast on her other arm.  So, this time the break really wasn't that bad, a hairline fracture.  Last time she had surgery and a pin, which left an awful keloid scar.  She's going to fall behind with her violin.  No Christmas concert for her!  Oh well, that's how it goes.

With her violin.

She took my picture.  I vowed to smile next time.

Double exposure.

Oops, tried to make this into a double exposure but messed-up, therefore it's underexposed. 

She got the cast today.

Polaroid Spectra, Impossible Project PZ680 Color Shade film.

On an entirely different note, I found a really fun CD to listen to with Bee, and I have to mention it here, because, well, if you're a mommy, it will make you happy, and that means a lot to me.  Kimya Dawson has apparently been around for awhile, but I just discovered her brilliant music while listening to NPR's All Things Considered the other day in the car when I was on my way home from school.  

Thunder Thighs

I really like her style, and I relate to her point-of-view.  I always appreciate it when an artist can put a light-hearted spin on the darker side of life.  This is a lady I would love to be friends with, bottom line.  Such an inspiration.

The end is approaching for me at school, and I have to reclaim focus on my final projects for the semester in my classes.  I'm dreading what comes after graduation, to be honest.  I feel myself aiming to squeeze the last bits of adrenaline out from my pores, still playing the procrastination game, a game I've come to enjoy.  I thought I hated it, the staying up all night completing projects and all that, but honestly...my best work comes with pressure.  

The switching over to auto-pilot is so effective.  The switch to zombie.  It's reaching into my subconscious, that's what I need to do, it's where I need to be.  Stress gets me there.  Of course, tedious preparation precedes it all.  Without research and source material, nothing happens.  Thinking about grad school now...maybe I'll go after the Women's Studies certificate.  This is my most likely course of action.

The permeable nature of motherhood.

I love being a mama most of the time.  When I feel I'm doing a good job at it, that is.  Other times I feel completely lost-like I've made all the wrong moves, said all the wrong things.  I really don't think there is anything in the world quite as complicated as a mother-daughter relationship.  

When it comes down to it-I let her go, and random things happen throughout her day.  She gets hurt feelings on the whim of a mean kid, what can I do about that?  Nothing, really.  I can only hope I've raised a girl with a strong backbone, and attempt to comfort with warm hugs, as I explain the masochistic nature of humanity.  

She makes decisions not only influenced by me, but by everything in her vicinity-television, school, her grandparents, books, the Internet.  Am I not supposed to be the most powerful force?  I feel overpowered so much of the time, and no matter the limits I set, like most things in life, metamorphosis makes sure I don't fall asleep at the wheel.  I don't really mind, but I sure could use a real nap, the kind where you wake up with drool on your cheek, under a blanket you didn't cover yourself with.

SX-70, PX70 Colorshade Impossible film

SX-70, PX70 Colorshade Impossible film

The last little bits of summer + this Sunday.

Summer was just a really long blink for us.  I can sum it up in two three four words:  broken, arm, snow, cones.  I like to save 4-5 rolls of film up to send them out for processing, but since I have not been shooting as much lately, I couldn't contain my urge to have this roll of Kodak Portra developed at the Walgreen's down the street.  It's nice to remember how I was able to find the time to relax a few months ago.  I shot these with my Pentax ME Super.

I just got home from a very early morning photo-excursion/adventure, and it truly was an adventure this time, as I decided to stop at a flea market in the ghetto.  I say ghetto all the time-it's a slang word that gets a lot of use around here.  Ghetto=very poor area of town yet full of character(s) and color.  I usually don't stop at flea markets here in El Paso, because there's hardly anything good being sold (aka junk), but the piles of shoes and toys/stuffed animals are pretty interesting to look at.  Also, local farmers sell their produce.  I almost bought some zucchini squash, I was close...but then I saw this scary clown doll, took a Polaroid of it, and ran away.  Just kidding, I didn't run away, but I did leave.  

Polaroid Spectra, Polaroid Image Softtone expired film.

Polaroid Spectra, Polaroid Image Softtone expired film.

Polaroid Spectra, Polaroid Image Softtone expired film.

This is how much stuff I have going on.  It's time to clean and organize.  Creativity has come to a complete stop, as it does when everything starts piling up.

Busy, busy...

I am still wrapping my head around the new school year, for both me and Bee.  Dentist and doctor appointments, reorganizing, storing, and getting everything in working order has taken a little too long this time around, I admit.  Transitions, including the wrapping-up of old projects, and the commencement of the new and exciting have taken over.  Long, drawn-out issues are getting resolved, and major decisions are naturally (finally) falling into their rightful place.

I am so happy to say I have finally started on my 3D drawing project.  I have been procrastinating, trying to teach myself how to make patterns from existing articles of clothing-measuring, cutting, altering, adjusting, pinning, draping, and all these other mathematical seamstress genius-type things.  I have a long way to go.  Starting was the hardest part.

Sketch of my plans, the first sketch, that is.

The first layer of hand-stitching around the scalloped bottom edge.  I will probably go over it with my sewing machine if  I feel it's taking too long.  I wanted to do everything by hand, but time is of the essence, I have to be realistic here.

I am going to make a more basic duplicate pattern of these vintage gloves.  I need several (20? minimum) pairs.

I know I have a ton of work to do.  I also have a printmaking class that is not going to let me rest.  We just finished lessons on screen printing.  I am not the biggest fan of it, to be honest.  Here is my first hand drawn (with drawing fluid, directly onto the screen) attempt at it.

Here is a sketch I thought of doing for the photo emulsion technique.  I didn't use it, but maybe for something else. 

Other than all that school stuff, I'm just trying to maintain at home.  Making sure Bee eats home-cooked healthy meals, laundry, keeping the house clean, all these domestic duties are so time-consuming, I'm finding it super-difficult to get more than 4-5 hours of sleep per night.  I think it's going to be like this all semester.  Yikes.

Bee got the cutest new glasses!  I love them.  Here she is (this very morning) drinking a blueberry green smoothie.
Polaroid SX-70, PX 70 Colorshade Impossible film.

Steaming Bee's dress for church, an PZ 680 Colorshade Impossible Spectra shot!! 

I have to share this one most important time-saving recent acquisition: a Jiffy Travel Steamer. (Pictured right there in the Polaroid above.)  It's so awesome, I can't believe I am already 34 years old and haven't taken it upon myself to buy one of these!  Between that and my new Swiffer Wet Jet, I have been maintaining okay.  I am keeping calm and carrying on, trying my best, although the never-ending messes do get me down a little.  I promise to at least post once-a-week here.  After all, it does help put things in perspective.  Have a great week, my friends!